Before the Fire

     Consciousness found her before her eyes were able to open, alarm bells ringing in her mind like a dream that had escaped with her into reality.  Jen thought she smelled smoke, but kept her eyes closed and rolled over, beckoning sleep to return.  She realized with a start, though, that those alarm bells were in fact screaming loudly, and she shot up in bed, swinging her legs to the side.  Jen tried to get her eyes to adjust to the dark, but she had even flipped her bedside clock on its face in hopes of better sleep than she’d had in the last few weeks.  “Dave,” she whispered, reaching to the other side of the bed, but the sheets were cold.  She hopped down from the tall frame, softly landing on the plush carpet.  The shrill beeping did nothing to guide her, though the smell of smoke was much more pungent now that she was fully awake.  She reached for her door and swung it open without thinking, immediately feeling the heat emanating from downstairs.  The kids, she silently pleaded as her heart began to race.

 

     Three weeks before the fire, Dave sat at his imposing mahogany desk in his expansive home office knowing he was thoroughly fucked.  He stared at his laptop screen, sun streaming in through the skylight above him, trying his hardest to hold down the knot that had grown in his stomach.  He stood up and started to pace.  If he could just think hard enough, the cash would find a way to his pockets.  It always had before.  It had when he was eighteen and had just been kicked out of his dad’s house for the last time.  It had when he took a leap and bought his first car dealership.  And it had when he’d opened the third and the fourth.  Money ran toward him when he and Jen were planning their 500-guest wedding and when they had bought this behemoth of a house years ago.  And now Jen had wanted an addition on the house for guests; an entire suite lining the whole back side of the house and overlooking the in-ground pool.  But lately, Dave was keenly aware of the sensation growing inside his chest of water slowly filling up his hull and dragging him down, down into financial ruin and drowning him.  He told himself it was opening that damn fifth dealership that was bleeding him dry, but he knew that wasn’t the truth.  The truth was uglier because it was just another of his own shortcomings instead of a failed risk.  The truth was what made Dave feel small and stupid and scared.  He couldn’t control his impulses.  That was the truth.  

 

     Jen raced into Elijah’s room and found everything perfectly still.  So still that she worried that the smoke had already knocked her son unconscious.  She shook him hard and said his name sharply.  His eyes shot open, and her beautiful preteen son gazed up at her with the wonderment of a baby.  Without a word, he gawked, not completely awake though his eyes were as big as the moon.  “Elijah, the house is on fire,” Jen said sternly.  Elijah’s clouded eyes snapped into focus and he whipped the covers off himself.  He started scrambling for socks and shoes, and Jen couldn’t help but be irritated at his fumbling about.  Irritated is all she had been for years now.  She’d curse herself for getting irked by the smallest thing, like baseball gear left in the middle of the living room, but a moment later lash out on the first breathing thing that crossed her path.  She’d tell herself to let the next little thing go, but there it would be in front of her and the simmering rage would only intensify.  Then the cycle would start anew, round and round until her head hit the pillow and everything was their fault and her fault and no one’s fault and everyone’s fault, and round and round until it was only her fault and she crumbled inside under the weight of her wretchedness as a member of this family.  But she never could quite come up with the first thing that had irritated her in the day.  If she could just figure out why she woke up so angry every morning, she could catch it in a cage and keep it from infecting her day.  Instead she woke up each day wishing she was somewhere other than their beautiful home.  The one that was more than anything she had ever dreamed of.  Elijah finally had some old basketball shoes on that had been retired in his closet for at least a year.  They were likely too small, but Jen pressed that insignificant concern down to focus on getting out.  But she hated herself a little that she would have such a trivial criticism for her son in a moment when their world was literally going up in flames around them.  She grabbed her son’s hand and held it tightly as they darted into the hallway.

 

     Two weeks before the fire, Dave sat in his office on the second floor at the new dealership, thinking.  He was closing up for the night and he had been alone for a long while.  Dim lights lit up the showroom floor and the large lot was illuminated by light, sending the cars beyond his office windows sparkling in the night.  His huge office was surrounded by glass, overlooking his empire below.  Wheels were turning inside his head relentlessly as to how he could pay down the exorbitant home equity line without Jen finding out how bad it had gotten.  He had started throwing the statements away when they came in the mail because it made him feel sick to see the return address.  There weren’t any friends to borrow from this time that would even make a dent in his burden.  How much money could he take from the dealership without any of his partners noticing?  It would take too long to funnel the amount he needed without suspicion.  He was sweating through his green button down shirt and loosened his tie.  He could lose the house, he thought in disbelief.  He couldn’t lose it; Jen loved that house and he loved her despite the distance 22 years of marriage can harden between two people.  The spending had just been out of control, and on what?  He couldn’t even recall.  When they had wanted something, the home equity was there with a big green light.  He thought of Jen on the beach on their last vacation, her gorgeously tanned body in her slimming one-piece suit.  She was stretched out in a lounge chair, sunglasses shading her eyes as she read a magazine, and he couldn’t help but think that she hadn’t aged a day.  How lucky he was to have her.  How expensive it was to have her.  How he didn’t always quite feel like he had her.  Dave slowly made his way downstairs to the cars in the showroom and the fluorescent automatic lights came on with such force he had to squint.  He walked over to the blue corvette closest to the back window and stood heavily before it.  He took his hand and dragged it along it’s swirling blue paint, petting it gingerly.  What if he could sell one of these outside the dealership?  Or pay someone to make it look like they stole it?  He could get some insurance money for that.  He walked around the car, appraising it’s value.  He would need to steal more of these than he even had in stock to make this go away, he thought dejectedly.  He stood vacantly for a long time, feeling a gulf of empty dread emanating from within.  The lights suddenly went out, and still Dave stood there in the near dark, thinking, thinking, thinking.

 

     Jen and Elijah ran down the stairs without considering what would await them at the bottom.  Jen flung open the front door and pushed Elijah out so hard that he stumbled and fell onto one knee.  His lanky, awkward limbs didn’t seem to mind and he easily sprung up and ran toward the street.  Jen didn’t look back as she waded through the smoke toward the basement.  The fire alarms were screaming so loud that she couldn’t even hear herself cough.  She tried to bend low as she made her way to the basement door.  Just as she reached it, Dave and Tyler burst through, Tyler yelling “Mom!” upon seeing her.  He was so tall and strong, a young man of 18 on the verge of his life truly beginning.  Tears filled her eyes with smoke and relief at the sight of him.  “Get outside!” she shouted.  Tyler dashed for the front door.  “Elijah?” Dave shouted, and Jen pointed toward the door.  Without a second thought, Dave rushed outside.  Jen looked around their open concept first floor for anything she could think to salvage.  She was struck by how ironic it was that she had just a week before done the same thing.  

     Just last Tuesday morning she had been sitting in an oversized chair in the living room, cup of coffee in hand, calculating all the things she would take with her to her new condo.  Sure, it was only three bedrooms and probably only half the size of their first floor, but it was all hers.  Well, sort of.  She had used the home equity to buy it with cash without him noticing, but that wasn’t unusual.  She had bought it cheap from a golfing girlfriend named Trish who didn’t ask many questions.  Trish had said offhandedly that she needed to offload her “lady cave” to pay off something her husband didn’t know about.  So one secret becomes another, Jen thought.  She had bought it but hadn’t drawn up divorce papers.  What did that say?  Did she want to be with Dave?  If she did, why would she be so eagerly mentally boxing up her most beloved possessions on this sunny morning?  All she knew was that this life was stifling.  She had everything and yet the yawning hole within her kept growing.  She was grateful for the condo now.  Now they would at least have somewhere to go to ride out the wreckage, however complicated it would be to explain to Dave.

 

     One week before the fire, Dave walked through the new addition with the contractor.  He was thrilled with the large windows and the natural light they let in, but it didn’t erase the constant ticking of the calculator in his head.  Jen had wanted the addition but seemed to take no interest in the progress as of late.  She had simply not responded to his text when he had told her about this meeting, so he figured she didn’t care about things like the electrical now that she could see the overall structure taking shape.  He was more particular about things like where outlets went anyway.  The contractor’s voice boomed and blathered on as Dave took in the high ceilings and open space.  He saw two young guys working on the electrical on the far wall and thought to himself that they couldn’t be a day older than Tyler.  He could even see acne on one of their faces.  Where was their supervisor?  He tried to wrangle his attention back to the contractor, but just then a loud burst of laughter came from the young men.  Dave looked over again to see them leaning on the bare studs, doubled over with whatever had been amusing them.  He saw a vision of Tyler and his buddies holding the exact same pose, wracked with hysteria.  Dave wondered to himself why he had even agreed to this addition when Tyler would be headed to college in the fall.  They would have an entire basement lair suddenly vacant.  Dave’s heart began to race.  What if they could downsize?  Sell this gargantuan headache for something smaller for just him, Jen, and Elijah?  Jen would be pissed, he knew.  She loved pulling her BMW into the extravagant driveway, knowing her neighbors envied her.  He’d have to talk to her about it, which gave him pause.  He dreaded talking to her at all, let alone about something he knew would disappoint her.  Besides, the bank would be knocking well before he could close on this.  I mean, who could possibly sell their house in the middle of putting on an addition?  His heart slowed and his stomach knotted.  He hadn’t even realized the contractor had walked away to speak with someone else.  Assuming his walkthrough was over, Dave headed into the garage and climbed into the Land Rover.  He grabbed the steering wheel and gingerly placed his forehead on the stitched leather.  Then he let out a scream so loud and long it clawed at his voice, leaving him sapped and silent.

 

     When Jen finally jogged onto the front lawn, her family was waiting by the curb.  Dave, Elijah and Tyler stood staring at the house in flames.  It was clear the fire was coming from the back of the house, their precious new addition.  

     “Did anyone call 911?” Jen asked in a rasping voice.  

     “I did,” said Dave.  His voice seemed vacant.  They all stood in silence as they watched the smoke billow into the night.  A long time seemed to pass before Dave said, “I’ll call the insurance company tomorrow.  Thank God we have a great policy.”  The way he said it with such surety gave Jen pause.  She looked over at Dave, but his face was blank.  “Should give us a pretty good payout.”

      “Where are we gonna go?” Elijah asked quietly.  Jen could see tears forming in his eyes.

      “Don’t worry, I have a condo we can stay in until we figure out what to do,” Jen said in a soothing voice.  

Dave slowly turned his head toward her.  They locked eyes for the first time in probably weeks.  “You do?” Dave asked mildly. “How’d you get that?”

     Jen embraced Elijah, looking away from Dave as her heart beat heavily and said, “Trish was selling it and needed money fast, so I used the home equity.”  

     She didn’t see Dave’s whole body tense and begin to shake with anger, resentment, understanding of what she had done and what he had done.  Another long moment passed as Jen held Elijah, Tyler and Dave standing stoically before their sinking ship.  

     They heard sirens wailing as the firemen approached, but still stayed planted to the earth beneath them.  As they watched the firemen proceed into the house, one approached Dave and shook his hand.  “I take it you’re the owner?” the fireman said in a firm voice.  “Yes,” Dave replied, trying to seem as composed as possible.  “We’ll get this put out as soon as we can.  Do you have a place to stay for the rest of the night?”  Dave swallowed and glanced at Jen.  “Yes.”  The fireman started to walk away but Dave touched his coat.

     “It had to have been those damn kids doing the electrical,” he said, an urgency in his voice.  Jen couldn’t help but look over at him with curiosity.  “They couldn’t have been any older than my son here and they were working on the electrical in our addition just last week.”

     The fireman paused, looking from him to Jen.  “Don’t worry, sir.  We’ll determine the cause of the fire and let you know what we find out.”  He walked toward the flaming house, leaving the family behind.

     When the fireman was out of earshot, Jen took a few steps toward her husband and looked him squarely in the eye.  He returned her gaze evenly, clenching his jaw and slowly releasing it.  When had he become a stranger to her?  When had she stopped noticing the tension in his shoulders, the weary look of someone haunted by stress?

     Finally she said in a near whisper, “Kids doing the electrical, huh?”

     Dave swallowed.  “Yeah.”

     Jen searched his eyes knowingly.  After a beat, he peered back at her with the same knowing look.  Jen couldn’t help but look away as guilt washed over her.  They stood side by side, staring at their house, their life.  Finally, Jen cleared her raspy throat and said, “Well, then I guess we should sue them.”

     Dave’s chest was tight. With relief, excitement, fear, smoke; he wasn’t sure.  But they would survive this somehow.  He was sure of that.  And maybe even come out ahead.  No one would ever need to know about his desperation.  Jen felt desperate too, though.  Desperate for the future, which was now completely unknown to her.  She felt as though she stood before a room full of doors, all blank and identical, unwilling to reveal what future was beyond each one.  

     Finally she felt Tyler’s hand on her shoulder, and she looked at him and put her hand over his.  She rested her head on her son’s arm, his frame too tall for her to reach his shoulder.  The kids would be fine, no matter what was before them.  Kids are resilient, she reminded herself.  Like hardy little weeds.  

     “Let’s go,” she said.  She approached a police car that had arrived without their notice and asked for a ride to the condo.  Within a few minutes, another unmarked police car arrived with a few necessities in the trunk for each of them.  Jen climbed in the front seat gingerly and left the back for Dave and the boys.  She gave the driver the address and he pulled away from the curb.  Jen took one last look at her old life, closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, it was gone.